Missing Piece

It has been a very stressful and overwhelming week.  Some more health concerns have come up with Jim, and coping or should I say “trying to cope” as I watch him experience relentless pain is wearing me down.  On top of that, Mom was moved to an assisted living facility on Wednesday.  I’ve spent the better part of Friday, Saturday and Sunday sorting through her belongings, something that’s been very emotional for me.

Looking at the different things Mom has collected over the year and making decisions on what to get rid of, left me with a sense of loss.   It made me think about how possessions that mean so much to us is just “stuff” that one day will be tossed aside or belong to someone else, and that person will never know the value that our belonging held to us.  I thought about  how fleeting life is, how the things are that we collect and treasure are temporary, and that they are nothing more than “stuff” that holds no value when it comes to eternity.

On Saturday, we worked on moving some of the furniture out of her house.  After the bed was moved out of the spare bedroom, I couldn't help but smile when I saw three puzzles under the bed.  Mom loves to put puzzles together and had started putting them on bulletin boards when she finished them.  Apparently she had someone slide them under the bed for her.   One of the puzzles was one that we thought actually came missing a piece.  The day I gave it to Mom we opened it up and put all the pieces on her kitchen table.   She always works the border to the puzzle first, then fills in the pieces.  I helped with the border, but we couldn't find one of the top pieces.  We sorted through the remaining pieces as we worked the puzzle, but never could find it.  As the puzzle neared completion it was obvious there was a missing piece.  I searched everywhere for the piece to no avail.  I even wrote down the information on the puzzle box with the intention of contacting the company to see if other people had reported a piece missing.  Somehow it fell on the back burner and I forgot all about the missing piece until Saturday.

The puzzle with the piece still missing brought back memories of putting the puzzle together and being disappointed that we weren’t able to put in the last piece.   It was one of Mom’s favorite puzzles and the picture was such a unique picture I had even thought about framing it.   After the bed was moved out of her room, I walked around picking up things and sorting through them.  That’s when I noticed a puzzle piece on the floor where her bed used to be.  Picking it up my first thought was that  there was no way this was the piece I had search so diligently for.   Not just because it was in her bedroom, but how could it have ended up under her bed?  Amazingly enough, it was the missing piece and I believe finding it was one of those moments in life I call a “God thing”.  It was truly an emotional moment for me as I felt like He was saying, “Molly, I’ve got this situation with your Mom covered, just as I have with every other aspect of your life.  Trust me as I put the pieces of the puzzle together”  Not only does He see all, He knows all and is putting the pieces together of life’s puzzle in ways I can’t imagine.  As always I need to place more trust in Him and His plan for my life, a lesson if faith that I am continually learning.

A New Perspective

It all caved in Monday night!  It’s the first time I’ve seen my husband really down about his pain and the first pity party he has thrown. And boy let me tell you, did he ever throw a good one.  Tears stung my eyes as I listened to him.  Other than a breakdown a few weeks ago, I feel like I’ve been coping better than how I typically cope, but watching him tonight brought on the tears.

Jim was struggling with cutting up his food and getting it to his mouth., when he dropped a piece of meat on the floor.  That did it.  I could see the aggravation as he pushed his plate aside.  Instead of keeping my big mouth shut, I thought I could make it all better with my “there are people who would trade places in a heartbeat, think how blessed we are” speech, which didn’t fly with him.  Wrong speech and even worse, wrong time to say it.  I got an earful as he struggled to get out of the chair and headed upstairs.  I went right to my office and cried out to God about how weary we both are of this relentless pain and how much we need some relief and hope.

I knew I needed to find the right verses or devotion to read, so I picked up my prayer journal to see what verses I had wrote down.  Nothing there that seemed to apply to what I needed.  And then I saw “the book”.  The book I bought at a yard sale given by friends of a lady who had died from breast cancer, to help raise money for the bills she left behind.  The first time I started reading the book, I saw a yellow sheet of paper with a prayer list wrote on it.  Reading her prayer list I was struck by how similar we write out our prayers and felt like there was an unknown reason why I picked that specific book to purchase.  A third of the way through the book, I felt like it just wasn’t speaking to me.  I lost interest, put it aside to give away and started another book.

Tonight I was drawn back to the book and flipped through to find where I left off.  Instead, I ended up in on a chapter that I had previously read, only this time it spoke to me and I realized it was exactly what I needed to read!  God had led me to a chapter that had everything in it to calm me, bring me peace and give me a whole new perspective about the bigger picture.

I always write in my prayer journal verses and passages from books I read when it’s something that feeds my soul.  Monday night I was literally writing entire pages out of the book.  Here is a summary of some key points that I read:

***God’s will doesn’t always go in a straight line, like we want it to.  From point A to point B we won’t see a clear connection, the pattern in what is happening or understand the plan.  God’s plan is way bigger than our plan.  Not only is He concerned with our needs, He is concerned with the corporate need as well.  How awesome is that?  The plot lines of our stories weave together to form His master plan.  He knows the beginning from the end and operates accordingly.  His plan may not follow our logic and it may go against what we believe it should, but It’s His plan and it’s the right plan.  He may not move according to our schedule (boy have I learned that one), but He is right on time for what is best, and He has our ultimate goal in His mind!  Wow, hanging on to that statement alone has already made a difference in helping me cope!

***God’s ways are not our ways, but His character is dependable!  When we can’t see the end of the story, we can trust the storyteller.  No matter what you are going through, remind yourself that God loves you passionately and only wants the best for you.  God’s timing rarely coincides with our timing and while He’s never late, he’s rarely early and that’s why we need to trust His schedule as well as His character. Jesus was four days too late to heal Lazarus, but He was right on time for a resurrection.! When you think He is too late, trust in His timing.  The most important part might be yet to come.

Needless to say, I went to bed Monday night feeling more at peace, with a little more faith and a greater understanding of God’s plan.  Tuesday morning I woke up early and went for my morning walk feeling refreshed.  A little way into my walk I reached in my pocket and hit the panic button!  Yes, after everything I had read the night before, I panicked!.  Sometimes I struggle with hypoglycemia, so I always have a piece of candy in my pocket when I walk, only this time the candy wasn’t in my pocket.  I turned around and headed  back to our house.  I finished the walk with no problems, went upstairs to take a shower and found a piece of candy in my back pocket.  I had wore the shorts briefly a few days earlier, put the candy in my back pocket and forgot all about it.

My first thought finding the candy was that without knowing it, I had protection in my back pocket the entire walk. Right away I related the experience to God.  Even at times when we’re not aware of it, His protection and love has us covered.  He knows every detail of what Jim and I are going through and it’s all going according to His perfect plan.  Not just for our lives, but for the lives of others as well,  in ways we cannot begin to fathom.  Trusting in His character and His timing will help bring us peace when the storms of life crash around us!

Finding Blessings

This past Sunday’s message was about understanding God’s blessings in our lives. Jim and I have been through many trials and heartaches through the years. It took a while, but something happened to me one day that changed my life and made me realize an attitude of gratitude is the essence of finding peace for the storms that life brings.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer December 22, 1995, had a mastectomy, and started aggressive chemotherapy a couple weeks later. Finally in August of 1996, my oncologist gave the approval for me to begin the first step of breast reconstruction. I was super excited, knowing this was the beginning of getting back to “normal” for me and the final stage of reconstruction would be done before my one year anniversary!

I went in for phrase one of reconstruction and a couple of days later, I began to experience pain in the calf of my left leg. The pain got worse and several times I had Jim massage the area, thinking it would help. By the time I went for my one week follow-up visit, the pain was so bad I could barely walk. The surgeon sent me to a vascular surgeon and he immediately sent me to the hospital. Long story short... I had a blood clot in the calf of my leg. If it broke loose, it could cause a pulmonary embolism which more often than not, is fatal! The surgeon, nurses and everyone involved in my care were shocked when they learned we had been massaging the area where the clot was, greatly increasing the changes of it breaking loose and going straight to my lung.

The next day the surgeon came in and explained my course of treatment, a week in the hospital with lots of needle sticks (something I absolutely hate), six months of taking the blood thinner, Coumadin, and of course, no elective surgery. Bottom line, final phrase of my reconstruction was on hold. My plans to have all this completed within a year from diagnosis just went out the door. In other words, MY PLANS were just not going according to MY Plan!

To add insult to injury, I was missing Brandon and Chance’s first day of school. It might seem trivial to some, but to me it was a huge deal not being there to walk them to the bust stop, or be home when they came in from school, something I had looked forward to with all four of my kids.

So what do you do when you’re been through so much, thought you were at the end of a trying time, and things just took a downhill turn? I threw myself a big pity party and the more I thought about it the madder I got. I had been through enough and now this??? I stewed in my anger and cried and cried some more. And then, for lack of a better term, I felt like God slapped me in the face, as I heard a still small voice say, “Molly, you’ve yet to thank me that you’re alive!” And then it hit me. My focus was on everything I didn’t like about the situation, not giving the first thought as to how blessed I was! Not only had I beaten breast cancer, but I had just survived a life threatening situation, one that could easily have taken my life. And, because I had survived, Brandon and Chance knew they had a mom that would be back home soon. I started thanking God for every blessing that I could think of, and as I did my heart felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off. The more I thanked Him, the more aware I became of how blessed I was, and my problems became smaller and smaller in size.

That day in the hospital was a turning point for me. I started looking back and finding blessings in situations that I once saw as hopeless. It prepared me as the future brought more heartaches and trials into my life. Some deep wounds took me places I never thought I could go as I learned forgiveness, unconditional love, and tolerance. Even Jim’s battle with cancer brought me a renewed and deeper love for him than ever before! Though it all, I’ve come to realize that there has been a blessing from everything that I have gone through. More often than not, it’s been after the storm that I have found them and it’s with amazement as I see how God worked it all for my good. One of my favorite things Pastor Aaron said on Sunday is that God’s blessings on our lives are in perfect timing for our life. Looking back, I couldn’t agree more!

To worry, or not to worry...

Chance hates having his picture taken, so it’s always a challenge to get pictures of him. In the past I’ve had to beg, bribe, and promise never to ask him again, only to break the promise and then promise again. And then the cycle repeats it’s self. I learned a long time the best approach is a non-obtrusive one with my camera, and go for the sneak attack when possible. When Chance deployed the first time I was able to sneak in one last picture before he left. The second time he deployed, I managed to get him to turn around and I snagged a picture. Since this is apparently going to be a way of life for him and for me, I thought it would be cool to make the deployment picture a tradition. So when he deployed on September 5, I followed him around the airport with my camera, waiting for the right moment. Success!

First Deployment 06-29-09




Second Deployment 07-26-2011



Third Deployment - September 5, 2011




I wish I could say this deployment stuff is getting easier. It’s so hard when Chance is in Afghanistan. I’m such a control person and dealing with a situation that is out of my control, on a daily basis, is hard for me. I was thinking about it earlier and realized the only way to have complete peace is to have complete trust. Letting go and trusting is so hard for me, but that’s where God wants me to be with Him. What a disappointment it must be for God when I sit and worry about situations!

I recently read some old sermon notes that encouraged me in my struggle with worry. One of the things I wrote down was, “If you can trust God with your life, your eternity, then you can trust Him with your circumstance. There isn’t anything going on that has God nervous. He is not pacing Heaven, hoping things go His way. He has you, he’s saying, “I’ve got this, you don’t have to worry about it.”

I have two bulletin boards in my office with some of my favorite sayings, quotes and Bible verses on it, so I can look up and read them at any time. Interestingly enough, most of them deal with “worry!” Here are some of my favorites -

~Let go... and trust God!
~Worry is the misuse of imagination.
~Before me, even as behind, God is and all is well. Whittler
~I will love God supremely, I will trust God completely. There never has been, nor will there ever be, a moment when God is not present with me.
~I am not allowing worry to rob me of my peace. My faith in God and His divine plan assures me that everything will be just fine.
~Since God is in complete control of everything and everyone... And I have a personal relationship with Him and He has a personal relationship with me, I have the courage to face anything that comes my way, with no fear whatsoever.
~Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
~Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because He trusteth in thee.” Isaiah 26:3
~And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:7

And my new favorite quote which I made up, encourages me and speaks volumes to me ~ “My yesterdays give me faith for my tomorrows!”

Faith or Fear?

A little over fifteen years ago, I went in for my annual check-up. The doctor commented on how she had never seen me looking so healthy. Not only was I eating right and exercising, I was learning to slow down, to let go of things that stressed me and was enjoying life more than ever. We were talking and as she examined my right breast, she asked if I had ever felt the small, tiny lump she found. I hadn’t and could barely feel it when she put my finger on it. She assumed it was nothing and told me to come back in six months and have a mammogram before I came back. I laughed and told her I would be getting my mammogram that week since it was December and I had met my deductible.

I left her office worry free. I knew there was no reason for worry. Me, having cancer? Impossible. Not only was there no family history, I was feeling great, and doing everything to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I completely rejected the possibility that I could have cancer and was in no way prepared for the cancer diagnosis I got four days later.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday, the day I went for my annual cancer check-up. To say all those check-ups through the years have stressed me, would be an understatement. I’ve never gone without trepidation over what the outcome might be. For some reason, this year it was different. I walked in stress and worry free. The only fear I had was the needle stick for my labs, which I’ve hated every since I had chemo.

I told the oncologist that I’m feeling healthier than ever, walking every day, eating healthy and I’m determined to keep my weight off. Not only was my physical exam with him perfect, my labs were perfect as well. Dr. Marks said the odds of me not having a re-occurrence are overwhelmingly in my favor! It was an awesome feeling walking out of his office, knowing I have finally let go of the fears that used to come with my check-ups.

Friday, I went to my internist for my annual check-up. Dr. P and I talked a few minutes before the exam and he read over the report from the oncologist. He was pleased with how well I’m doing until... he felt a nodule in my thyroid. Dr. P said it probably isn’t anything serious, but I need to have a sono and lab work done to find out what is going on.

Pre- cancer diagnosis I wouldn’t give this a second thought. Post cancer diagnosis and my mind and thoughts are all over the place. I start thinking back to the conversation with the doctor who found the lump and realize I repeated almost the same conversation with Dr. Marks and Dr. P about how healthy I’m feeling. Is this the end of the similarities?

Can I go forward with the same confidence I had when my GYN found the lump in my breast? I was so over confident, that my world was shattered when the surgeon told me it was breast cancer. Dare I take that risk again? The GYN said the lump was so small it couldn’t be anything. The internist said that more than likely, the nodule isn’t cancer. The odds are in my favor this time, but they were in my favor last time. How can I be positive when I got burnt last time? Part of me says I should take what I learned from that experience and coward into fear, preparing for the worse, just in case things don’t go the way I WANT them to go.

The nodule has brought unrest back into my life, putting me once again in a battle against fear, against worry. Is this how I should react? I know what I am supposed to do. It’s called “having complete faith and trust in God.” So I ask myself, “Can I let go and believe that God knows what He is doing in my life, that none of this has caught Him by surprise and it’s all part of His master plan for me? If everything is done out of His perfect love for me and in my best interest, is there a reason to worry? Where I see part of the picture, He sees the big picture. Faith isn’t about God doing things my way, it’s knowing God is doing them the BEST way for me. God has brought me and my family through so much, dare I not trust Him to bring me through this as well?

Just writing it all out has helped me realize what I knew all along. I have to let go and trust in the one who holds my future, the same one who created the universe and loved me so much, He sent His only son to die for me! Complete trust in Him relieves me from the need to worry and is a “win win” for me!

Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3

An Old Card

I blog for me! I blog so that I will have things in writing, that I want to remember, especially when it’s something that will encourage me in my walk with God. When I’m going through a tough time and need a reminder of all that God has brought me through, it strengthens my faith to go back and read some of my posts. That’s the reason for this post.

I've been helping Mom move this past week and yesterday I gave her a box of papers and cards to sort through that I had packed. As she emptied the box, she read a card, handed it to me and said, "here's an old one." I immediately recognized the front of the card as one that I had sent her and Dad, and remembered how much I loved the poem that was on the front. I was surprised when I opened the card and read the date. It was dated five days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Reading what I wrote on the inside of the card made me more aware of how much God has brought me through and the value of trusting in Him.

The poem “Cares” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning was on the front of the card -

The little cares that fretted me
I lost them yesterday.
Among the fields above the sea,
among the winds at play;
Among the lowing of the herds,
The rustling of the trees,
Among the singing of the birds,
The humming of the bees.
The foolish fears of what may happen,
I cast them all away.
Among the clover-scented grass,
Among the new-mown hay;
Among the husking of the corn
Where drowsy poppies nod,
Where ill thoughts die and good are born,
Out in the fields with God.

The inside of the card -

December 27, 1995,
Mom and Dad,
Thank you so much for rasing me in a Christian home and for always being there for me. I’ve always felt so secure in your love. Your support, concern and care mean the world to me.
Thank you for showing me that when things are at their darkest, there’s always God. This past week I realized that He never leaves me - even in those dark gloomy times.
I love you both,

Molly