About me...

Pop the lid on my Mason Jar and meet my family. Jim {Jimma} and I have four kids, Creston (Ashley), Jami (Matt), Brandon and Chance. Our grandkids, Cade, Kirby, Eisley, Beck and Reed bring us more joy than any Mason Jar could ever hold. I am counting my blessings over and over and thanking God for His amazing love and grace.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

From my journal...

June 1, 2012

“Have you ever wanted to quit?”  The words stung as I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  Yes, there had been many times I wanted to quit, but the very person asking me the question was the reason why I didn’t.  My husband’s question was open and honest and brought the reality of his situation out in the open.  He’s ready to quit the doctor’s appointments, quit the nerve blocking shots that aren’t working, and throw in the towel with his health issues.

Jim’s question made me realize just how severe his pain his, just how weary he is from the chronic pain that travels his body, the pain that has debilitated him to the point that even walking is a struggle for him.  Something so simple as opening a jar is almost impossible for him to do.  The simplest of things that one is accustomed to doing, have become a challenge for Jim.  Nights are restless and racked with pain.  He tosses and turns, and cries out with agony all night long.  Daylight brings no relief.  He can only stand or sit for short periods of time before he has to lay down.  The pain is crippling, has been going on way too long and we are both losing hope of it getting better.

What brought about this morning’s question was my concerns about Jim’s health.  Lately he had been drinking what I consider to be excessive amounts of Mountain Dew.  I’m concerned about the effects this is having on his kidneys especially knowing he is diabetic.  I want him fighting for his health, doing everything he can to preserve it.  His way of looking at the situation is that there is so little he can enjoy in life, giving up  Mountain Dew is not an option.  His point is valid and after years of not understanding, I finally get it!  The most loving thing I can do is let go and keep quiet about what I think he should or should not be doing to be healthy.

In our early morning conversation, I told Jim how much I love him, need him and I don't think I could make it without him.   He looked at me and asked, “Why?  There are times I can’t even take the garbage out.”   Even though I have seen it, he has never openly expressed how much it bothers him that there is so little he can do when it comes to helping me with everyday chores. I can’t imagine how this makes him feel, but there is no comparing what he can’t do with what really matters, and why I need him so much.  The emotional support he gives me, trumps all other problems.  I lean on it, cling to it, hold it dear to my heart and can’t imagine life without it!

Jim is my soul mate, the positive to my negative.  He can take anything I’m going through, put it in a better light and give me ways to cope that I never would have thought of.  The icing on the cake is that he is the most quick witted person I’ve ever met and can bring humor into the most crappy of circumstances. His humor has rescued me from many a dark mood!  Even through all the pain, it is rare that I spend time with Jim that he does not have me smiling and laughing.  I don’t think it can get any better than that!   As I shared with him this morning, my prayer is that God takes me first, or takes me with him, but doesn't leave me without him.  Yes, I love him that much and more!