Faith or Fear?

A little over fifteen years ago, I went in for my annual check-up. The doctor commented on how she had never seen me looking so healthy. Not only was I eating right and exercising, I was learning to slow down, to let go of things that stressed me and was enjoying life more than ever. We were talking and as she examined my right breast, she asked if I had ever felt the small, tiny lump she found. I hadn’t and could barely feel it when she put my finger on it. She assumed it was nothing and told me to come back in six months and have a mammogram before I came back. I laughed and told her I would be getting my mammogram that week since it was December and I had met my deductible.

I left her office worry free. I knew there was no reason for worry. Me, having cancer? Impossible. Not only was there no family history, I was feeling great, and doing everything to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I completely rejected the possibility that I could have cancer and was in no way prepared for the cancer diagnosis I got four days later.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday, the day I went for my annual cancer check-up. To say all those check-ups through the years have stressed me, would be an understatement. I’ve never gone without trepidation over what the outcome might be. For some reason, this year it was different. I walked in stress and worry free. The only fear I had was the needle stick for my labs, which I’ve hated every since I had chemo.

I told the oncologist that I’m feeling healthier than ever, walking every day, eating healthy and I’m determined to keep my weight off. Not only was my physical exam with him perfect, my labs were perfect as well. Dr. Marks said the odds of me not having a re-occurrence are overwhelmingly in my favor! It was an awesome feeling walking out of his office, knowing I have finally let go of the fears that used to come with my check-ups.

Friday, I went to my internist for my annual check-up. Dr. P and I talked a few minutes before the exam and he read over the report from the oncologist. He was pleased with how well I’m doing until... he felt a nodule in my thyroid. Dr. P said it probably isn’t anything serious, but I need to have a sono and lab work done to find out what is going on.

Pre- cancer diagnosis I wouldn’t give this a second thought. Post cancer diagnosis and my mind and thoughts are all over the place. I start thinking back to the conversation with the doctor who found the lump and realize I repeated almost the same conversation with Dr. Marks and Dr. P about how healthy I’m feeling. Is this the end of the similarities?

Can I go forward with the same confidence I had when my GYN found the lump in my breast? I was so over confident, that my world was shattered when the surgeon told me it was breast cancer. Dare I take that risk again? The GYN said the lump was so small it couldn’t be anything. The internist said that more than likely, the nodule isn’t cancer. The odds are in my favor this time, but they were in my favor last time. How can I be positive when I got burnt last time? Part of me says I should take what I learned from that experience and coward into fear, preparing for the worse, just in case things don’t go the way I WANT them to go.

The nodule has brought unrest back into my life, putting me once again in a battle against fear, against worry. Is this how I should react? I know what I am supposed to do. It’s called “having complete faith and trust in God.” So I ask myself, “Can I let go and believe that God knows what He is doing in my life, that none of this has caught Him by surprise and it’s all part of His master plan for me? If everything is done out of His perfect love for me and in my best interest, is there a reason to worry? Where I see part of the picture, He sees the big picture. Faith isn’t about God doing things my way, it’s knowing God is doing them the BEST way for me. God has brought me and my family through so much, dare I not trust Him to bring me through this as well?

Just writing it all out has helped me realize what I knew all along. I have to let go and trust in the one who holds my future, the same one who created the universe and loved me so much, He sent His only son to die for me! Complete trust in Him relieves me from the need to worry and is a “win win” for me!

Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3