Father's Day

Since I had to take Cade home yesterday, I thought I’d go out and spend some time with Dad for an early “Father’s Day.” It becomes increasingly harder for me every time I go for a visit and yesterday was really bad. I didn’t stay long and felt guilty about it, when I left.

Dad always seems glad to see me, but I'm not sure he knows who I am. The way he acts, I think he knows that I’m someone close to him, someone he should know. As I watch him, I sit and wonder what he’s thinking. Gone are the days of sitting and having a conversation with him. He mumbles a lot, making it hard to hear him. What he does say, makes no sense. To add to the confusion, Mom asks him to repeat what he says. He can’t remember what he says, so he gets a blank look and shrugs his shoulders, or says something different than what he originally said. I don’t know why Mom is so insistent on having him repeat stuff. The only thing I can figure out is she’s hoping he’ll say something that makes sense, and she doesn’t want to miss that moment.

It’s so hard for me to watch some of the things Dad does, as it reflects just how bad his mind really is. He is so confused in so many ways. One time he broke up his cookies, put them in his coke and started eating them like you would cookies and milk. I ask him what he was doing, and he looked at me like I was the one with brain issues. He said he had been doing that "all his life." Another time he poured his coke into a gallon of ice cream. Yesterday he picked up a piece of chocolate candy and ate it like he would a cracker, with his red beans and rice. Then he put a piece of candy with the wrapper on it, in his mouth. When I told him he couldn’t do that and to spit it out, he looked at me as a child would, that had just been scorned.

A friend recently said that both of parents were here one day and gone the next. She said that after hearing what others have gone through with their parents, she is thankful that God blessed her, and her parents, with a quick death. I’ve thought a lot about what she said. Up until Dad started getting so bad, I had felt blessed to have him and Mom with us. Now it’s hard seeing him the way he is, and watching her as she tries to cope with the changes taking place with him. I’m not sure which way is easier and I’m thankful God is the one who determines all of this. For me, it’ll be a relief when my dad passes and I know he’s out of this state of confusion and home with Jesus. As for today, I’m going to focus on the memories, and I have lots of those to be thankful for!