Tears

(My September 18th post, "Out of My Comfort Zone" explain's Tammy's situation, tells about her and how I came to know her. You might want to read it before you read this post.)

It’s not unusual for me to cry when I visit Tammy in the hospital. There have been tears of joy, tears of wonder and tears of sadness. Today I cried when visiting her and I mean to say I cried! It was to the point that the nurse told me to leave the room for a while and then come back. She wasn’t rude, just matter of fact. She knew better than I, that it was best for me and for Tammy that I leave her room. I left thinking I wouldn’t go back today. I was emotionally drained.

I have been visiting Tammy since the end of August. I never know what she’ll be like when I walk into her room. If she’s having a good day, her face will light up when I walk in and she’ll say, “I love you.” More than likely we’ll spend our time talking about hopes and dreams, God and Heaven. The visits are uplifting for me and leave us both with smiles on our faces.

There’s the not so good days when I visit and she’s in a deep sleep. Sometimes I can wake her enough to say hello and then she quickly drifts right back to sleep. Those are the days that leave me longing for more.

And then there’s the horrible days, which are becoming more and more frequent. The visits on those days put me in deep thought where I ponder her situation, questioning God and wondering the purpose of her pain, suffering and misery.

Today was one of the horrible days and with it came a bucket of tears. Even though Tammy can’t “talk” she can mouth her words and get your attention. When I walked in the room today she mouthed “Water.” In the CCU the nurses would let me get a wash cloth, ring it out until it was almost bone dry and let her suck what little water she could out of it. Now she’s on the main floor and today there were no wash cloths. When I ask the nurse for one and told her why I needed it she said Tammy could not have ANY water, not a drop. Tammy began begging me repeatedly for water and became very upset with me because I couldn’t give her any. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t like you.” This was a first, but completely understood by me. I can’t imagine begging someone for a drop of water and being refused, especially in her situation where she is completely helpless.

Tammy’s dry parched mouth and my not being able to help her, were causing her to become more and more frustrated and irritable. I was handling it pretty well until she said she wanted me to take her for a walk. I started to cry and then she asked me to get her dressed. I don’t know what it was, but that was the straw that broke this camel’s back. Maybe it’s because I walk every day and her request made me even more aware of the reality of her situation. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing I’d rather do than get her dressed and take her for a walk. It hit me hard knowing this will never happen. I began to pray over her, asking God to show His mercy on her and that’s when the tears poured.

I left in tears and came home in tears. I’ve thought about Tammy all day and keep wondering why she has to endure so much. Why can’t she just close her eyes and be with Jesus? Then I’m reminded that God sees the big picture. He sees the end from the beginning, has a plan and it is perfect. He is in the midst of our trials, troubles and tribulations working out His sovereign will. It is for me to trust in His infinite wisdom.

Tonight I just had to go back to the hospital and check on Tammy. When I walked in, she smiled and said she was so glad to see me. Then she asked me to please help her up and get her a glass of water. I told her I was sorry, but I could not give her any water. She told me how thirsty she was and the begging for a drink started all over again. This time I thought of something I wished I had thought of this morning. I began praying specifically for God to quench her thirst. The prayer calmed her and she started to drift off to sleep. I told her I loved her and left. Tammy was relaxed and sleeping as I walked out the door and my heart was a little lighter.