From my journal...

June 1, 2012

“Have you ever wanted to quit?”  The words stung as I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  Yes, there had been many times I wanted to quit, but the very person asking me the question was the reason why I didn’t.  My husband’s question was open and honest and brought the reality of his situation out in the open.  He’s ready to quit the doctor’s appointments, quit the nerve blocking shots that aren’t working, and throw in the towel with his health issues.

Jim’s question made me realize just how severe his pain his, just how weary he is from the chronic pain that travels his body, the pain that has debilitated him to the point that even walking is a struggle for him.  Something so simple as opening a jar is almost impossible for him to do.  The simplest of things that one is accustomed to doing, have become a challenge for Jim.  Nights are restless and racked with pain.  He tosses and turns, and cries out with agony all night long.  Daylight brings no relief.  He can only stand or sit for short periods of time before he has to lay down.  The pain is crippling, has been going on way too long and we are both losing hope of it getting better.

What brought about this morning’s question was my concerns about Jim’s health.  Lately he had been drinking what I consider to be excessive amounts of Mountain Dew.  I’m concerned about the effects this is having on his kidneys especially knowing he is diabetic.  I want him fighting for his health, doing everything he can to preserve it.  His way of looking at the situation is that there is so little he can enjoy in life, giving up  Mountain Dew is not an option.  His point is valid and after years of not understanding, I finally get it!  The most loving thing I can do is let go and keep quiet about what I think he should or should not be doing to be healthy.

In our early morning conversation, I told Jim how much I love him, need him and I don't think I could make it without him.   He looked at me and asked, “Why?  There are times I can’t even take the garbage out.”   Even though I have seen it, he has never openly expressed how much it bothers him that there is so little he can do when it comes to helping me with everyday chores. I can’t imagine how this makes him feel, but there is no comparing what he can’t do with what really matters, and why I need him so much.  The emotional support he gives me, trumps all other problems.  I lean on it, cling to it, hold it dear to my heart and can’t imagine life without it!

Jim is my soul mate, the positive to my negative.  He can take anything I’m going through, put it in a better light and give me ways to cope that I never would have thought of.  The icing on the cake is that he is the most quick witted person I’ve ever met and can bring humor into the most crappy of circumstances. His humor has rescued me from many a dark mood!  Even through all the pain, it is rare that I spend time with Jim that he does not have me smiling and laughing.  I don’t think it can get any better than that!   As I shared with him this morning, my prayer is that God takes me first, or takes me with him, but doesn't leave me without him.  Yes, I love him that much and more!

On January 19 I had thyroid surgery and wrote this draft a week later about my experience. I had forgotten about it until I came across it yesterday. Even though it's four months later, I feel the message is worth sharing. Enjoy!


“Does anyone have anything they want to share?” my friend Christy asked as we gathered around for prayer time before the clinic got started. I didn’t say a word and she looked right at me and said, “Molly?” I knew I needed to share what was going on in my life, but didn’t really want to. I don’t like things that draw attention to me when I’m going down a bumpy road in life, yet it is during those times that I need the prayers and support of my friends. I looked at the circle of ladies holding hands and shared my situation. I told them about my thyroid surgery scheduled the next morning and then shared with them that I have a needle phobia. Every since chemotherapy I have an aversion to needles and seriously struggle when I have labs drawn or an IV started. At that Christy bowed her head and prayed for the clinic, for the volunteers and for my surgery to go well with painless needles.

Painless needles? Seriously? I thought how could that happen. At that point there was a little sarcasm in my thoughts. I guess I’ll just walk in tomorrow and they’ll say, “Oh, there’s been an new invention and we now have painless needless.” Oh how I wish that would be true, but I’m sure if it had happened, it would have been all over the news. This is so typical of my thinking - painless needles would be a new invention, so that was one prayer that wouldn’t be answered.

Thursday morning the nurse came in to start the IV and I thought it would be best to lay it all out for her about my issues and said to her, “Please, no fishing with the needle.” It so happened that my nurse doesn’t like needles or IV’s and assured me that she doesn’t fish, and if she can’t get it the first time, she finds someone that can. The IV went in with little effort or pain and I thought, “Wow, that wasn’t that bad after all.” For some reason, I felt a need to send Jami a text telling her the IV was in. She sent me a text right back, “I specifically prayed for the IV, so glad it’s in.” That prayer was answered, but I still had more needle sticks to go.

Since I can’t take morphine, the anesthesiologist ordered Dilaudid for pain after surgery. I don’t know if it was the combination of coming out of anesthesia with the Dilaudid, but I couldn’t stay awake and felt like I was fading in and out of consciousness for the first eight hours or so. I remember a nurse coming in and telling me she had to take some blood to check my calcium level and thinking, “Oh no, here goes a needle stick.” Next thing I knew it was several hours later and I noticed the band-aid from the stick, but couldn’t remember any pain from the stick. Painless needle sticks? It still hadn’t sank in at this time.

A nurse came in the middle of the night and apologized for disturbing me. She said that my calcium levels had to be checked again, and she would be drawing blood. I cringed in anticipation of the pain and she looked up and down my arm. She held the arm and proceeded to do the most pain FREE needle stick I have EVER had done in my life! I was in awe and said, “Jayne, that is the first time I have ever had blood drawn that it didn’t hurt.” She looked at me and said, “All my patients say that to me.”

Painless needle sticks? Yes, a prayer for painless needle sticks was answered in ways I never would have thought possible, teaching me a new way to pray - more specifically for what I need and to never underestimate the creative ways God can answer our prayers.

Finding Blessings

This past Sunday’s message was about understanding God’s blessings in our lives. Jim and I have been through many trials and heartaches through the years. It took a while, but something happened to me one day that changed my life and made me realize an attitude of gratitude is the essence of finding peace for the storms that life brings.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer December 22, 1995, had a mastectomy, and started aggressive chemotherapy a couple weeks later. Finally in August of 1996, my oncologist gave the approval for me to begin the first step of breast reconstruction. I was super excited, knowing this was the beginning of getting back to “normal” for me and the final stage of reconstruction would be done before my one year anniversary!

I went in for phrase one of reconstruction and a couple of days later, I began to experience pain in the calf of my left leg. The pain got worse and several times I had Jim massage the area, thinking it would help. By the time I went for my one week follow-up visit, the pain was so bad I could barely walk. The surgeon sent me to a vascular surgeon and he immediately sent me to the hospital. Long story short... I had a blood clot in the calf of my leg. If it broke loose, it could cause a pulmonary embolism which more often than not, is fatal! The surgeon, nurses and everyone involved in my care were shocked when they learned we had been massaging the area where the clot was, greatly increasing the changes of it breaking loose and going straight to my lung.

The next day the surgeon came in and explained my course of treatment, a week in the hospital with lots of needle sticks (something I absolutely hate), six months of taking the blood thinner, Coumadin, and of course, no elective surgery. Bottom line, final phrase of my reconstruction was on hold. My plans to have all this completed within a year from diagnosis just went out the door. In other words, MY PLANS were just not going according to MY Plan!

To add insult to injury, I was missing Brandon and Chance’s first day of school. It might seem trivial to some, but to me it was a huge deal not being there to walk them to the bust stop, or be home when they came in from school, something I had looked forward to with all four of my kids.

So what do you do when you’re been through so much, thought you were at the end of a trying time, and things just took a downhill turn? I threw myself a big pity party and the more I thought about it the madder I got. I had been through enough and now this??? I stewed in my anger and cried and cried some more. And then, for lack of a better term, I felt like God slapped me in the face, as I heard a still small voice say, “Molly, you’ve yet to thank me that you’re alive!” And then it hit me. My focus was on everything I didn’t like about the situation, not giving the first thought as to how blessed I was! Not only had I beaten breast cancer, but I had just survived a life threatening situation, one that could easily have taken my life. And, because I had survived, Brandon and Chance knew they had a mom that would be back home soon. I started thanking God for every blessing that I could think of, and as I did my heart felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off. The more I thanked Him, the more aware I became of how blessed I was, and my problems became smaller and smaller in size.

That day in the hospital was a turning point for me. I started looking back and finding blessings in situations that I once saw as hopeless. It prepared me as the future brought more heartaches and trials into my life. Some deep wounds took me places I never thought I could go as I learned forgiveness, unconditional love, and tolerance. Even Jim’s battle with cancer brought me a renewed and deeper love for him than ever before! Though it all, I’ve come to realize that there has been a blessing from everything that I have gone through. More often than not, it’s been after the storm that I have found them and it’s with amazement as I see how God worked it all for my good. One of my favorite things Pastor Aaron said on Sunday is that God’s blessings on our lives are in perfect timing for our life. Looking back, I couldn’t agree more!

An old letter...

Recently I have been going through old documents on my computer and found some really funny things that I had forgotten about. Some of them are too cute not to share. The first one I'm posting is a letter that Jim and I wrote together in June of 2005, when he was going through chemo. Jim has always teased our kids about buying him a Little Rascal and we thought it would be the perfect time to send them a letter about Little Rascals. Enjoy!

Dear Friend,

Imagine giving your ailing friend the mobility that he has lost due to his failing health. You have within you the ability to make this man MOBILE again! Yes, once again, your friend can cruise through the peaceful woods bringing him the tranquility he so desires. Picture this: One hour after daylight a dust cloud coming down the dirt road. In the midst of that gigantic cloud is “One Happy Hunter” - Your Friend! Yes, there he is astride his camouflaged Little Rascal with a 10-point buck strapped across the front of that POWERFUL vehicle. What more could one guy ask for. It doesn’t get any better than this, but wait, IT DOES!

Not only would this give him the mobility in the woods, it would also enhance his life in other ways. Your gift could help relieve the financial burden his illness has brought upon his devoted wife. With the additional purchase of the “Pull Along” your friend could earn extra income by transporting his fellow chemotherapy patients back and forth to their vehicles in the parking lot. The shuttle service provided by him would not only give him a job, but also a purpose in life.

Hold on - there’s still more! Let’s don’t leave out the most important feature of the Little Rascal. Your friend will be able to take his grandchildren to the library, the park and most important, the “Dollar General” on his Little Rascal. Think of the smiles and joy you will be bringing not only to your friend, but to his grandchildren as well! With our “add on ice chest,” your friend will have the capability to sell ice cream and/or snow cones from his Little Rascal. The possibilities are endless and just go on and on! You can have the satisfaction of knowing that you made it all possible through your generous gift of a Little Rascal with a “Pull Along.”

In closing, be aware that many people call their scooters “Little Rascals” believing they have an authentic Little Rascal. There’s only one “Little Rascal” and it is only available through us. Don’t be fooled by imitators, we are the #1 scooter company! Call us today and we’ll rush you a free brochure about our fantastic scooter. Our motto is “Don’t scoot with the rest, scoot with the best!” We, as well as your friend, eagerly wait for your phone call to put this dream into motion. As a courtesy to your friend, we have all of his information in our data base. All you need is his code: JIMMA


Sincerely,



Mike Blossom, President
Little Rascal Corporation

P.S. Pickup the phone now and call toll-free 1-800-JIM4FREEDOM. If you place your order before September 17, 2005, you will get an “add on ice-chest” absolutely free!*

*does not include shipping and handling or any other charges that may apply!

Psalm 91

We talked to Chance Friday night for a few minutes, then got an email from him telling us that he would be calling early Saturday morning. Saturday morning came and went without a phone call. After talking to him Friday night and reading the email, we put 2 and 2 together and realized that he was out on a mission and apparently things were worse than anticipated. I had prayed for him off and on, but as the hours came and went without a word from him, I set down and spent some time reading Psalm 91 and the other Bible verses I use to pray for protection over him. I kept saying that no weapon formed against him would prosper and telling God that I was standing on His promises to protect Chance.

I woke up several times during the night, each time saying a prayer for Chance’s safety and the safety of the guys with him. At 7:17 Sunday morning Chance’s girlfriend, Kellie sent me this text, “He’s OK!” Those two words brought a flood of relief to my soul and I texted her back, “Praise God!”

A little later Chance called. What started out as a two hour mission around midnight Friday lasted through early Sunday morning. It turned out to be a major battle in Afghanistan, ending with 33 insurgents killed and no injuries for our guys. Of his three deployments and the many missions Chance has been on, this was probably the most intense battle he has been in.

Most interesting is the text that Kellie sent me later Sunday afternoon. Every day since Chance deployed, she googles the number of days he has left, picks a random fact about that number and emails him the fact. Something so simple, yet something he looks forward to getting every day when he can check his emails. Kellie’s text was to let me know that on Saturday, Chance had 91 days left and she chose Pslam 91 for his random fact. Not so random, when you think about it. One of the most dangerous missions Chance went on, happened to be on day 91 and his girlfriend chose Psalm 91 for his fact, now even knowing what he was going through. That in itself was confirmation that God’s protection is over Chance and I need to trust Him more and let go of my fears. It never fails to amaze me how God sends us subtle messages to get His point across.

One short paragraph...

To say it is interesting the sometimes subtle ways that God gets our attention, is an understatement! Yesterday I received one of those emails that you’re supposed to read, and then forward to your friends. Every time I get one of those emails, I automatically hit the “delete” button. There was nothing in this email that was of interest to me except for the first paragraph. It wasn’t even worded very well, but when I read it, I immediately knew there was a reason I had received the email. It read, “ God doesn’t give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.”

I immediately thought of a couple of people in my life who I don’t like, nor do I want to be around. That one little short paragraph, made me realize that if God only put people in my life that I like, it would hinder me in becoming a better person, and living my life in a way more pleasing to Him. I count it as a huge blessing that God has put so many people in my life that I really, REALLY love and enjoy being around. Then there are the people that I prefer to stay away from. Thinking it over made me realize that, in a sense, there is even a bigger blessing that comes from having them in my life. Those are the people who will help make me into the person that God wants me to be. They are in my life to teach me patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and most of all unconditional love. The reality of it all, put me on my knees asking God for forgiveness in the way I have reacted, and felt about different people in my life. Thank you God for getting the message across. Point taken!

To worry, or not to worry...

Chance hates having his picture taken, so it’s always a challenge to get pictures of him. In the past I’ve had to beg, bribe, and promise never to ask him again, only to break the promise and then promise again. And then the cycle repeats it’s self. I learned a long time the best approach is a non-obtrusive one with my camera, and go for the sneak attack when possible. When Chance deployed the first time I was able to sneak in one last picture before he left. The second time he deployed, I managed to get him to turn around and I snagged a picture. Since this is apparently going to be a way of life for him and for me, I thought it would be cool to make the deployment picture a tradition. So when he deployed on September 5, I followed him around the airport with my camera, waiting for the right moment. Success!

First Deployment 06-29-09




Second Deployment 07-26-2011



Third Deployment - September 5, 2011




I wish I could say this deployment stuff is getting easier. It’s so hard when Chance is in Afghanistan. I’m such a control person and dealing with a situation that is out of my control, on a daily basis, is hard for me. I was thinking about it earlier and realized the only way to have complete peace is to have complete trust. Letting go and trusting is so hard for me, but that’s where God wants me to be with Him. What a disappointment it must be for God when I sit and worry about situations!

I recently read some old sermon notes that encouraged me in my struggle with worry. One of the things I wrote down was, “If you can trust God with your life, your eternity, then you can trust Him with your circumstance. There isn’t anything going on that has God nervous. He is not pacing Heaven, hoping things go His way. He has you, he’s saying, “I’ve got this, you don’t have to worry about it.”

I have two bulletin boards in my office with some of my favorite sayings, quotes and Bible verses on it, so I can look up and read them at any time. Interestingly enough, most of them deal with “worry!” Here are some of my favorites -

~Let go... and trust God!
~Worry is the misuse of imagination.
~Before me, even as behind, God is and all is well. Whittler
~I will love God supremely, I will trust God completely. There never has been, nor will there ever be, a moment when God is not present with me.
~I am not allowing worry to rob me of my peace. My faith in God and His divine plan assures me that everything will be just fine.
~Since God is in complete control of everything and everyone... And I have a personal relationship with Him and He has a personal relationship with me, I have the courage to face anything that comes my way, with no fear whatsoever.
~Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
~Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because He trusteth in thee.” Isaiah 26:3
~And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:7

And my new favorite quote which I made up, encourages me and speaks volumes to me ~ “My yesterdays give me faith for my tomorrows!”