All that’s left for our trip is packing the suitcase. Today was spent baking, running errands and getting everything together that I don’t want to forget. I made a pound cake batter, baked it in some sweet flower muffin pans that Jami gave me, tied them up in cellophane with ribbons, attached Bible verses and put them in a basket to take to the Schweers. Cookies were baked and some are on their way to Chance, some given to friends and the rest are packed to take to Port St. Joe.
Time to rest, relax and smile.
Thought it would be a good time to blog a little about Chance's Scrapbook. I seem to have kept more of Chance’s school papers than the other kids. Maybe I had more space to pack school keepsakes by the time he was in school than I did with the other kids? Most of his papers had the date on them making it even more fun, when putting a scrapbook together for his high school graduation. I’m sure I enjoyed making the scrapbook way more than he enjoyed getting it. Lots of sweet memories are in that book. The following is one of the entries.
October 3, 1995, Chance wrote: “ I was really embarrassed when I was in Winn Dixie. I was driving the grocery cart and I was not paying attention. Then I ran into an aisle of pickle relish. That was the most embarrassing thing in my life.”
On May 23, 3004, I wrote: “You were embarrassed??? Can you begin to imagine how I felt? The story goes that your Dad and I were grocery shopping with you and Brandon. You were on your stomach on the bottom of the grocery cart, with your arms outstretched, paddling them as you would a boat, making the cart careen down the isle. I yelled, “Stop Chance” at least three times before you CRASHED the cart into a six-foot high display of jars of pickle relish. The entire tower crashed. Thankfully you weren’t hurt. Since you were on the bottom of the car, you were protected. The jars broke and rolled all over the place, even as far as the meat department. Your dad snatched you and Brandon up and ran out the door leaving me standing there by myself. There I stood all alone as people from all over the store ran to see what the commotion was about.”
At a later date, I’ll post about the fire extinguisher incident. It was just as bad, if not worse.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Pacing
Jim and I are planning to go to Port St Joe tomorrow to be with Jami and Matt and to attend a celebration of John’s life on Thursday. This visit will be bittersweet to say the least. As much as I look forward to seeing Jami and her family, as well as the Schweers, I wish it were for a different reason that we were going.
There are some things we need to take care of before we leave, which puts me in a waiting mode, something I’m not very good at doing. I tend to get nervous and anxious and pace a lot, making lists so that I don’t forget anything and starting tasks that I never can find time for. The problem is I find it harder to concentrate as my mind is filled with endless thoughts.
It’s during times like these that I search for stuff to do that makes me smile and lifts my spirits. Yesterday I sorted through a bunch of pictures and put them in a photo album. Lots of fun memories there. When putting the photo album away, I pulled out a scrapbook I made for Chance when he graduated from high school. I couldn’t help but smile reading through the pages. Most of his writing in elementary school revolved around surfing and soccer. Some of the pages are way too funny and will be posted at a later date.
After more pacing and more things checked off my “to do list” I picked up a devotional journal that I finished a couple of days ago and flipped through the pages. I am in awe of all the answered prayers, many of which I had forgotten about. The answered prayers strengthen my faith for the yet unanswered ones and give me an awareness of the immeasurable value that comes from writing out and dating our prayers. The pages reflect how God is taking care of every detail of my life, both the big details and the little ones. October 27, 2008 I wrote, “Thank you God for a new day, a fresh start. Thank you for Your mercy and unfailing love. Thank you for sending Your people to minister to me just when I needed them.” That weekend four different people from our church had called me on the phone to let me know they were praying for me about something we were going through. I went on to write, “I have come to accept that Your ways are not my ways and You are working all this out for my good and Your glory.” There’s an entry I need to be constantly reminded of.
There are a lot of verses from Psalms in my journal. One of my favorite passages is Psalm 19: 1-6: “The Heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens He has pitched a tent for the sun, which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes it circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.”
Between errands, cooking, packing and doing other things necessary to leave, the pacing continues. More things will get accomplished than in a usual day. I’m sure I’ll be back on here at some point with some extra time on my hands, using up the minutes before we leave for our trip.
There are some things we need to take care of before we leave, which puts me in a waiting mode, something I’m not very good at doing. I tend to get nervous and anxious and pace a lot, making lists so that I don’t forget anything and starting tasks that I never can find time for. The problem is I find it harder to concentrate as my mind is filled with endless thoughts.
It’s during times like these that I search for stuff to do that makes me smile and lifts my spirits. Yesterday I sorted through a bunch of pictures and put them in a photo album. Lots of fun memories there. When putting the photo album away, I pulled out a scrapbook I made for Chance when he graduated from high school. I couldn’t help but smile reading through the pages. Most of his writing in elementary school revolved around surfing and soccer. Some of the pages are way too funny and will be posted at a later date.
After more pacing and more things checked off my “to do list” I picked up a devotional journal that I finished a couple of days ago and flipped through the pages. I am in awe of all the answered prayers, many of which I had forgotten about. The answered prayers strengthen my faith for the yet unanswered ones and give me an awareness of the immeasurable value that comes from writing out and dating our prayers. The pages reflect how God is taking care of every detail of my life, both the big details and the little ones. October 27, 2008 I wrote, “Thank you God for a new day, a fresh start. Thank you for Your mercy and unfailing love. Thank you for sending Your people to minister to me just when I needed them.” That weekend four different people from our church had called me on the phone to let me know they were praying for me about something we were going through. I went on to write, “I have come to accept that Your ways are not my ways and You are working all this out for my good and Your glory.” There’s an entry I need to be constantly reminded of.
There are a lot of verses from Psalms in my journal. One of my favorite passages is Psalm 19: 1-6: “The Heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens He has pitched a tent for the sun, which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes it circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.”
Between errands, cooking, packing and doing other things necessary to leave, the pacing continues. More things will get accomplished than in a usual day. I’m sure I’ll be back on here at some point with some extra time on my hands, using up the minutes before we leave for our trip.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Our hearts are full of sadness...
Even as early as high school, my daughter Jami has been an inspiration to me in her walk with God. On numerous occasions I have called her in tears and she has been the one to comfort me, assuring me that God is taking care of my hurts, fears, concerns, and problems and that He has it all under control. More than once, she has said, “Mom, you have to let go of this and trust God.” I have watched her with a sense of pride at her ability to remain calm and steadfast in her faith, in the midst of a storm.
So, when the phone rang yesterday afternoon and I heard the shakiness in her voice as she said, “Mom” I sensed that something horrible had happened. I asked if something was wrong and waited in fear for her answer. I could barely understand what she said, for the tears in her voice. “Yes,” she said, “ Matt’s daddy died.” Hoping I had not heard her right, I asked if she had just said Matt’s daddy had died. “Yes” was her heart wrenching answer. She had just found out that her father-in-law, John had died of a heart attack. Matt was at school preparing for the start of the school year and she was alone with the two kids when the call came. I felt so helpless in that I am over a thousand miles away from her and could not rush to be by her side. The only solace I could offer was my love and prayers.
Jim and I met Matt’s parents, Liz and John shortly after Jami and Matt started dating and we liked them right away. Liz and John had a very unique and special relationship. Their love for each other was evident and written all over their lives. They enjoyed riding on a tandem bike and in a convertible with the top down. They went to church, the beach, swam together, volunteered, picnicked, gardened, canned vegetables, cooked together, wrote the best Christmas letters ever and even dressed alike. Liz and John had the unique ability to make the simplest of things fun, and the big celebrations in life simple so they would be more fun.
We considered Liz and John as part of our family and invited them for holidays and other events. We loved having them with us and always had more fun when they came. I told Matt this summer that I envied his parents. He asked, “How’s that?” I told him that I have never seen two people who enjoy life as much as his Mom and Dad. They soak up every moment, squeezing it for all it’s worth. Talking with Matt that afternoon made me realize I wanted to be more like his parents, never letting a moment of fun pass me by.
I’ve often told Liz and John how much I love Matt, but realized today that I never thanked them for doing such an incredible job of parenting. Among many other things, they set an example of love and faith for their children. I can honestly say that the lives of our family have been enriched by knowing Liz and John and we are all saddened by his loss. As I told Jami yesterday, they had a relationship like no other. With any unexpected loss, you become more aware of how fragile life is and how in an instant lives are forever changed. My heart aches for Liz as she has lost her soul mate. I ache for Jami, Matt and the rest of the family who knew what a special person John was and loved him so dearly. My sorrow is for my grandchildren as well. They are too young to remember their Opa and will never know what a remarkable, kind, faith living, loving and fun person he was. My prayers, sympathy and love go out to this family. Thank you John for giving us our incredible son-in-law that has so many of your attributes. There’s not a guy out there that I’d rather have married to my daughter and be the father of her children than Matthew.
So, when the phone rang yesterday afternoon and I heard the shakiness in her voice as she said, “Mom” I sensed that something horrible had happened. I asked if something was wrong and waited in fear for her answer. I could barely understand what she said, for the tears in her voice. “Yes,” she said, “ Matt’s daddy died.” Hoping I had not heard her right, I asked if she had just said Matt’s daddy had died. “Yes” was her heart wrenching answer. She had just found out that her father-in-law, John had died of a heart attack. Matt was at school preparing for the start of the school year and she was alone with the two kids when the call came. I felt so helpless in that I am over a thousand miles away from her and could not rush to be by her side. The only solace I could offer was my love and prayers.
Jim and I met Matt’s parents, Liz and John shortly after Jami and Matt started dating and we liked them right away. Liz and John had a very unique and special relationship. Their love for each other was evident and written all over their lives. They enjoyed riding on a tandem bike and in a convertible with the top down. They went to church, the beach, swam together, volunteered, picnicked, gardened, canned vegetables, cooked together, wrote the best Christmas letters ever and even dressed alike. Liz and John had the unique ability to make the simplest of things fun, and the big celebrations in life simple so they would be more fun.
We considered Liz and John as part of our family and invited them for holidays and other events. We loved having them with us and always had more fun when they came. I told Matt this summer that I envied his parents. He asked, “How’s that?” I told him that I have never seen two people who enjoy life as much as his Mom and Dad. They soak up every moment, squeezing it for all it’s worth. Talking with Matt that afternoon made me realize I wanted to be more like his parents, never letting a moment of fun pass me by.
I’ve often told Liz and John how much I love Matt, but realized today that I never thanked them for doing such an incredible job of parenting. Among many other things, they set an example of love and faith for their children. I can honestly say that the lives of our family have been enriched by knowing Liz and John and we are all saddened by his loss. As I told Jami yesterday, they had a relationship like no other. With any unexpected loss, you become more aware of how fragile life is and how in an instant lives are forever changed. My heart aches for Liz as she has lost her soul mate. I ache for Jami, Matt and the rest of the family who knew what a special person John was and loved him so dearly. My sorrow is for my grandchildren as well. They are too young to remember their Opa and will never know what a remarkable, kind, faith living, loving and fun person he was. My prayers, sympathy and love go out to this family. Thank you John for giving us our incredible son-in-law that has so many of your attributes. There’s not a guy out there that I’d rather have married to my daughter and be the father of her children than Matthew.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Veggie Burgers Anyone?
Who would have thought veggie burgers could cause so much stress? I am not a meat eater and only eat fish, seafood and chicken on rare occasions. Other than that, I don’t even like to look at meat or be around when it’s being cooked. Therefore, I am always trying to find ways to get more protein in my diet. One day last June I was in a wholesale warehouse and they were passing out samples of veggie burgers. I tried one and really liked it, checked the label and was thrilled to see they are loaded with PROTEIN. Sign me up people, I have found something that I like, that is quick and easy to cook and has PROTEIN! I walked out of the store with two bags in hand.
When I like something I can eat it over and over and never get tired of it. I started eating the veggie burgers every day, sometimes twice a day for about five weeks. I even packed them in an ice chest and took them on a trip to the Keys. That’s the extent I liked them. After we came back from the Keys, Jami was at my house getting ready to fly back to Dallas. I fixed a veggie burger and let Eisley taste it. She liked them and Jami asked what was in them. All I knew is they had to be healthy since they were made from vegetables and started reading off the list of ingredients. I was horrified when I read the word “soy” in the list. What have I done?
Twelve years prior to this I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer that was hormone positive. The doctors told me to stay away from any form of soy, because it could adversely affect my hormone levels and increase my chances of reoccurrence. Ever since my initial diagnosis I have been extremely careful to avoid all soy products in any form. You can imagine my thoughts when I realized that I had been loading my body with soy for five straight weeks.
I called the doctor Monday morning and explained my situation to the nurse. She spoke with the doctor and said he wanted to see me the next day for a consultation and lab work. That’s the point when I realized the seriousness of the situation and became unbelievably upset. I cannot recall a time when I’ve ever been so mad at me. To say I was infuriated, would be an understatement. I simply could not get pass the fact that I made such a huge mistake, one that could potentially cause me some serious problems. I ranted and raved and threw a tantrum. I am the type of person who likes to be prepared, who is constantly making lists to be sure everything is taken care of, who likes to cover the bases in their life. Realizing something of this magnitude had slipped by me, was sending me over the edge. I ended up calling a wonderful Christian counselor who helped me see the situation from a different perspective. As much as anything else, the perfectionist in me was not coping with the fact I made a big mistake. Knowing the reason behind my anger helped. Then she pointed out how God takes such good care of us. Had I not given Eisley the veggie burger and Jami asked what was in them, I would have continued eating them and who knows what the final outcome would have been. Yes, I made a mistake, but God protected me from continuing in that mistake.
The next day Dr. Marks went over everything with me and told me his strategy. He was going to monitor my estrogen levels closely. I would have to come back in a month, then every six months for a year. Depending on the lab results at that point would determine the next course of action. The once a year check ups that I dreaded would now become way too frequent.
Which brings me back to today. Today was my six months follow up appointment from the last appointment. I never go to the oncologist that I don’t cry at some point. It’s either before I leave, on the way, in the parking lot, in the waiting room, in the exam room or when I leave. At some point it a given, I’m going to cry. My doctor has assured me I’m not the only patient who cries and it’s completely normal, which helps me feel a little less stressed about my crying
Today the crying started a few miles from the Cancer Center. I was thinking about how much I hate going to the oncologist. I hate every aspect of the appointment. I hate driving to downtown Jacksonville, the traffic, the drive and merging in the different lanes on the interstate to get to the Cancer Center. I hate waiting in the lab waiting area for my turn. I absolutely hate the needle stick. This is something that started with chemo and has never stopped. I hate going into the waiting room and seeing the people with drawn faces who are desperately fighting for their lives. I hate waiting for the doctor to come in and watching him as he reads through my chart. I hate when he walks out to get the lab results, while I sit and wonder what he’s going to say when he comes back into the room.
While driving and crying and thinking how much I hate every aspect of my oncology appointment, I wondered how I could find peace for the moment. The answer came way too quickly - an attitude of gratitude. I thought how God must sit and wonder what was going on with all the complaining and no thankfulness. I started thanking him for every thing I could think of about my appointment. Thank you God that I’m going for a cancer check up and not a cancer treatment. Thank you God for a sunny pretty day, so I don’t have to do all this driving and merging in the rain.
The list continued as I walked into the Cancer Center. As I got off the elevator two elderly ladies were coming from the lab. One of them gave me the biggest smile. Thank you God for the beautiful lady that smiled at me putting a smile on my face. Thank you God that I’m not sitting in the “Wolfson Children’s Hospital Surgery Family Waiting Room” that’s right down the hall from the waiting area for the lab. Thank you God they were able to get my lab work with one needle stick. Thank you God that it’s me having a check up and not one of my kids, grandkids, or anybody that I love so much in my life. Thank you God that I am alive and can go for a check up 13 years and 8 months after my diagnosis. When I started thinking of all my blessings, my heart became lighter and I started to feel better right away. It's amazing what a difference it makes when you focus on your blessings and not the situation. Being thankful truly is food for the soul.
The nurse came in to check my vitals and said she remembers me as the lady who ate the veggie burgers. Dr. Marks came in and asked how I was doing. When I told him wonderful, he smiled and said that was the first time he had heard that all day. Hmm, that attitude of gratitude was paying off, both the doctor and I were smiling. When he looked over my chart he made a comment about me and the veggie burgers. Guess I’ll always be known as the veggie burger patient. Dr. Marks said that the results of my lab work should be back next week. If the estrogen level is low enough, I can start back with once a year visits. Regardless, I think I’ll do much better on my next visit and maybe even bypass the crying.
When I like something I can eat it over and over and never get tired of it. I started eating the veggie burgers every day, sometimes twice a day for about five weeks. I even packed them in an ice chest and took them on a trip to the Keys. That’s the extent I liked them. After we came back from the Keys, Jami was at my house getting ready to fly back to Dallas. I fixed a veggie burger and let Eisley taste it. She liked them and Jami asked what was in them. All I knew is they had to be healthy since they were made from vegetables and started reading off the list of ingredients. I was horrified when I read the word “soy” in the list. What have I done?
Twelve years prior to this I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer that was hormone positive. The doctors told me to stay away from any form of soy, because it could adversely affect my hormone levels and increase my chances of reoccurrence. Ever since my initial diagnosis I have been extremely careful to avoid all soy products in any form. You can imagine my thoughts when I realized that I had been loading my body with soy for five straight weeks.
I called the doctor Monday morning and explained my situation to the nurse. She spoke with the doctor and said he wanted to see me the next day for a consultation and lab work. That’s the point when I realized the seriousness of the situation and became unbelievably upset. I cannot recall a time when I’ve ever been so mad at me. To say I was infuriated, would be an understatement. I simply could not get pass the fact that I made such a huge mistake, one that could potentially cause me some serious problems. I ranted and raved and threw a tantrum. I am the type of person who likes to be prepared, who is constantly making lists to be sure everything is taken care of, who likes to cover the bases in their life. Realizing something of this magnitude had slipped by me, was sending me over the edge. I ended up calling a wonderful Christian counselor who helped me see the situation from a different perspective. As much as anything else, the perfectionist in me was not coping with the fact I made a big mistake. Knowing the reason behind my anger helped. Then she pointed out how God takes such good care of us. Had I not given Eisley the veggie burger and Jami asked what was in them, I would have continued eating them and who knows what the final outcome would have been. Yes, I made a mistake, but God protected me from continuing in that mistake.
The next day Dr. Marks went over everything with me and told me his strategy. He was going to monitor my estrogen levels closely. I would have to come back in a month, then every six months for a year. Depending on the lab results at that point would determine the next course of action. The once a year check ups that I dreaded would now become way too frequent.
Which brings me back to today. Today was my six months follow up appointment from the last appointment. I never go to the oncologist that I don’t cry at some point. It’s either before I leave, on the way, in the parking lot, in the waiting room, in the exam room or when I leave. At some point it a given, I’m going to cry. My doctor has assured me I’m not the only patient who cries and it’s completely normal, which helps me feel a little less stressed about my crying
Today the crying started a few miles from the Cancer Center. I was thinking about how much I hate going to the oncologist. I hate every aspect of the appointment. I hate driving to downtown Jacksonville, the traffic, the drive and merging in the different lanes on the interstate to get to the Cancer Center. I hate waiting in the lab waiting area for my turn. I absolutely hate the needle stick. This is something that started with chemo and has never stopped. I hate going into the waiting room and seeing the people with drawn faces who are desperately fighting for their lives. I hate waiting for the doctor to come in and watching him as he reads through my chart. I hate when he walks out to get the lab results, while I sit and wonder what he’s going to say when he comes back into the room.
While driving and crying and thinking how much I hate every aspect of my oncology appointment, I wondered how I could find peace for the moment. The answer came way too quickly - an attitude of gratitude. I thought how God must sit and wonder what was going on with all the complaining and no thankfulness. I started thanking him for every thing I could think of about my appointment. Thank you God that I’m going for a cancer check up and not a cancer treatment. Thank you God for a sunny pretty day, so I don’t have to do all this driving and merging in the rain.
The list continued as I walked into the Cancer Center. As I got off the elevator two elderly ladies were coming from the lab. One of them gave me the biggest smile. Thank you God for the beautiful lady that smiled at me putting a smile on my face. Thank you God that I’m not sitting in the “Wolfson Children’s Hospital Surgery Family Waiting Room” that’s right down the hall from the waiting area for the lab. Thank you God they were able to get my lab work with one needle stick. Thank you God that it’s me having a check up and not one of my kids, grandkids, or anybody that I love so much in my life. Thank you God that I am alive and can go for a check up 13 years and 8 months after my diagnosis. When I started thinking of all my blessings, my heart became lighter and I started to feel better right away. It's amazing what a difference it makes when you focus on your blessings and not the situation. Being thankful truly is food for the soul.
The nurse came in to check my vitals and said she remembers me as the lady who ate the veggie burgers. Dr. Marks came in and asked how I was doing. When I told him wonderful, he smiled and said that was the first time he had heard that all day. Hmm, that attitude of gratitude was paying off, both the doctor and I were smiling. When he looked over my chart he made a comment about me and the veggie burgers. Guess I’ll always be known as the veggie burger patient. Dr. Marks said that the results of my lab work should be back next week. If the estrogen level is low enough, I can start back with once a year visits. Regardless, I think I’ll do much better on my next visit and maybe even bypass the crying.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Dad's Diagnosis
My dad has Alzheimers. I found out Friday night when Mom called to give me the test results of his MRI. This came as no big surprise to me, but it’s still unsettling to say the least. It’s one thing to suspect something, but once it’s confirmed, you lose all hope that your suspicions were wrong and then you have to face the reality of the situation. My initial thought was “one thing at a time Lord. This is bad timing on your part. I have enough going on in my life right now. I don’t want to go down this path you're taking me.” I am more aware than ever that of such options, we have no choices.
Dad will be celebrating his 84th birthday the end of this month. Physically he is in great shape. Dad is a very high energy person for someone his age. He might take a nap during the day, but the rest of his time is spent doing busy work. Rare is the time you go to their house that he is not outside working in the yard, pulling weeds or mowing. And if he’s not outside, more than likely he’s in his workshop, painting pictures or making picture frames. If you’re a first time guest at my parent’s house, you can bet you won’t leave without one of dad’s pictures that he’s so very proud of.
Mom just celebrated her 83rd birthday last month. She is also in excellent physical health for her age. Where Dad stays busy all the time, mom does what little housework and cooking there is for two people then spends the remainder of her time sitting in a chair reading or watching TV. Rare is the time I have gone to visit and not found her sitting in "her" chair. When we're there for family gatherings, Mom will supervise what is going on in the kitchen from her chair, calling out to us, asking if we need help and telling us where the pots and pans are, etc. There's one thing you can always bet on, Mom is keeping a close eye on Dad. She checks on him constantly, worrying and fretting over him.
Physically I have not noticed any changes in Mom or Dad, but have gradually seen changes in their state of mind. Where Mom has become very forgetful, Dad seems to imagine things that just aren’t happening. The Saturday before Mother’s Day I called Mom that morning to tell her I wanted to come spend the afternoon with her and bring her dinner. I wanted to make sure she would be home and not planning to cook. I asked if she needed me to bring anything. She needed her prescription picked up in Palatka, but said she had plenty to last a few days and would pick it up Monday when doing errands.
When I arrived at Mom’s the truck was gone and the house was locked. I was a little concerned, knowing she was expecting me. I called Creston to see if he knew where Mom and Dad were, but he had no clue. I was fixing to go to my brother’s house to see if he knew where they might be when they drove up. They had gone to Palatka to pick up her medicine. She didn’t remember me telling her that I was coming to her house or that I had offered to pick up her prescription. Dad asked me how the little boy was doing that came with me. I was by myself.
I have suspected Dad has Dementia for a while now, but was hoping that Dementia would be all there was to his confusion. The results are in and the questions play out in my mind. When Mom told me about Dad’s diagnosis, she seemed amazingly calm, especially since she’s such a worrier. I have to wonder, "Does she have any comprehension of what this means?" I ache for her. I know how much she loves him and even more how much she needs him in her life. Does Mom realize that as things progress she won’t have him? It will get to the point he won’t know her or his surroundings. She will have him in her life, yet not have him. She will lose this person that she so desperately needs in her life.
How long do we have before Dad is entombed in a state of confusion? Does this vary from person to person. Will the medicine they gave him make a difference, or could this escalate rapidly? Jami and Matt are coming home for Thanksgiving. Knowing the uncertainty of the situation, she’s thankful they made plans to come home. Surely we have a few months? Dad cries every time he sees a picture of Chance in his uniform or there is something said about him being in the war. Will he know Chance in January when he comes home? Even more, will Mom’s state of mind be where she can continue to keep a watch over Dad?
Where is this journey taking me? My mind goes in all different directions and is filled with endless questions. Then I remind myself that the uncertainty of a future is not for me to worry about. I have to put the questions to rest. As with everything else in my life, I’m to let go and trust God, knowing His ways are not my ways., but His ways are always right. He sees the big picture and everything will unfold according to His master plan and what will bring Him glory. It is through adversity that I will become dependent on God and that’s right where He wants me.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8
Dad will be celebrating his 84th birthday the end of this month. Physically he is in great shape. Dad is a very high energy person for someone his age. He might take a nap during the day, but the rest of his time is spent doing busy work. Rare is the time you go to their house that he is not outside working in the yard, pulling weeds or mowing. And if he’s not outside, more than likely he’s in his workshop, painting pictures or making picture frames. If you’re a first time guest at my parent’s house, you can bet you won’t leave without one of dad’s pictures that he’s so very proud of.
Mom just celebrated her 83rd birthday last month. She is also in excellent physical health for her age. Where Dad stays busy all the time, mom does what little housework and cooking there is for two people then spends the remainder of her time sitting in a chair reading or watching TV. Rare is the time I have gone to visit and not found her sitting in "her" chair. When we're there for family gatherings, Mom will supervise what is going on in the kitchen from her chair, calling out to us, asking if we need help and telling us where the pots and pans are, etc. There's one thing you can always bet on, Mom is keeping a close eye on Dad. She checks on him constantly, worrying and fretting over him.
Physically I have not noticed any changes in Mom or Dad, but have gradually seen changes in their state of mind. Where Mom has become very forgetful, Dad seems to imagine things that just aren’t happening. The Saturday before Mother’s Day I called Mom that morning to tell her I wanted to come spend the afternoon with her and bring her dinner. I wanted to make sure she would be home and not planning to cook. I asked if she needed me to bring anything. She needed her prescription picked up in Palatka, but said she had plenty to last a few days and would pick it up Monday when doing errands.
When I arrived at Mom’s the truck was gone and the house was locked. I was a little concerned, knowing she was expecting me. I called Creston to see if he knew where Mom and Dad were, but he had no clue. I was fixing to go to my brother’s house to see if he knew where they might be when they drove up. They had gone to Palatka to pick up her medicine. She didn’t remember me telling her that I was coming to her house or that I had offered to pick up her prescription. Dad asked me how the little boy was doing that came with me. I was by myself.
I have suspected Dad has Dementia for a while now, but was hoping that Dementia would be all there was to his confusion. The results are in and the questions play out in my mind. When Mom told me about Dad’s diagnosis, she seemed amazingly calm, especially since she’s such a worrier. I have to wonder, "Does she have any comprehension of what this means?" I ache for her. I know how much she loves him and even more how much she needs him in her life. Does Mom realize that as things progress she won’t have him? It will get to the point he won’t know her or his surroundings. She will have him in her life, yet not have him. She will lose this person that she so desperately needs in her life.
How long do we have before Dad is entombed in a state of confusion? Does this vary from person to person. Will the medicine they gave him make a difference, or could this escalate rapidly? Jami and Matt are coming home for Thanksgiving. Knowing the uncertainty of the situation, she’s thankful they made plans to come home. Surely we have a few months? Dad cries every time he sees a picture of Chance in his uniform or there is something said about him being in the war. Will he know Chance in January when he comes home? Even more, will Mom’s state of mind be where she can continue to keep a watch over Dad?
Where is this journey taking me? My mind goes in all different directions and is filled with endless questions. Then I remind myself that the uncertainty of a future is not for me to worry about. I have to put the questions to rest. As with everything else in my life, I’m to let go and trust God, knowing His ways are not my ways., but His ways are always right. He sees the big picture and everything will unfold according to His master plan and what will bring Him glory. It is through adversity that I will become dependent on God and that’s right where He wants me.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8
Monday, July 27, 2009
My Mom's Birthday
Saturday was Mom’s 83rd birthday. I thought it would be cool if we all showed up at her house with food for dinner and surprised her. Note to self: When planning a surprise birthday party, make sure the person being surprised is going to be home. My brother and I arrived at 3:00 loaded with food to find an empty house. Creston and his family came a little later, then Sandy and her kids showed up. Everybody asked me where the “birthday girl” was and I had to tell them I was clueless. You can imagine as time ticked away, I was teased about my “surprise birthday planning” skills. We all sat around the house wondering where Mom and Dad had gone and how long they would be gone. For two hours we sat, while the food got cold and the kids got hungry. Had it not been for the chips and dip I brought, I doubt there would have been any food left by the time the birthday girl arrived.
Finally Mom and Dad drove up, loaded with Wal-Mart bags. She was surprised all right. The house was full of people sitting around and kids running all over the place. She and Dad had almost stopped to eat on their way home. I’m so glad they didn’t ‘cause I’m sure I would have gotten the third degree from Creston and Jack on that one.
After dinner, we all went outside and let the kids have a water balloon war. The two biggest kids having the most fun were Creston and Jack. No big surprise there. After playing with Silly String, and a game of dodge ball the kids had a blast swimming in the pond. We filled more water balloons and they threw them back and forth in the pond. If the balloons didn’t pop, they would float in the pond. They loved chasing down the floating balloons. Creston held Jonas (my niece's little boy) by his feet over the water so he could pick up the balloons floating near the dock. Since Jonas can't swim he spent most of his time throwing water balloons off the dock. He got pretty sneaky with his attack plan. He would hide a balloon behind his back and call his sister to come close to the dock so he could throw his balloon at her.
I can’t imagine having a better birthday than Mom had. Even more than the nice dinner and yummy chocolate cherry cake and ice cream, she spent the afternoon sitting in a chair on her porch, watching four of her great grandkids laughing and playing. What a perfect place to be in life.
Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary is in April. On my way home from her birthday party, I thought about the phone call I received from her on July 4th. Mom woke up early that morning to go to the bathroom. When she got back in bed, Dad rolled over and said, “Happy Anniversary.” She told him it was the 4th of July, not their anniversary. He said, “Well, I knew we were supposed to be celebrating something.”
Finally Mom and Dad drove up, loaded with Wal-Mart bags. She was surprised all right. The house was full of people sitting around and kids running all over the place. She and Dad had almost stopped to eat on their way home. I’m so glad they didn’t ‘cause I’m sure I would have gotten the third degree from Creston and Jack on that one.
After dinner, we all went outside and let the kids have a water balloon war. The two biggest kids having the most fun were Creston and Jack. No big surprise there. After playing with Silly String, and a game of dodge ball the kids had a blast swimming in the pond. We filled more water balloons and they threw them back and forth in the pond. If the balloons didn’t pop, they would float in the pond. They loved chasing down the floating balloons. Creston held Jonas (my niece's little boy) by his feet over the water so he could pick up the balloons floating near the dock. Since Jonas can't swim he spent most of his time throwing water balloons off the dock. He got pretty sneaky with his attack plan. He would hide a balloon behind his back and call his sister to come close to the dock so he could throw his balloon at her.
I can’t imagine having a better birthday than Mom had. Even more than the nice dinner and yummy chocolate cherry cake and ice cream, she spent the afternoon sitting in a chair on her porch, watching four of her great grandkids laughing and playing. What a perfect place to be in life.
Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary is in April. On my way home from her birthday party, I thought about the phone call I received from her on July 4th. Mom woke up early that morning to go to the bathroom. When she got back in bed, Dad rolled over and said, “Happy Anniversary.” She told him it was the 4th of July, not their anniversary. He said, “Well, I knew we were supposed to be celebrating something.”
Saturday, July 25, 2009
~ Daisy Dukes ~
Ashley and I made plans to meet at the beach Wednesday. I invited Jim, but he turned down my invitation. Besides a doctor's office, the beach is his least favorite place to be. When I was getting ready I called Cade to ask him a question. Assuming Jim was going, Cade said to remind him not to forget the fishing poles. When I gave Jim Cade's message, he said "Well, I guess I’m stuck now and have no option but to go to the beach."
Jim never wears shorts. Before we left for the beach, I made the decision that he needed some cut-offs to wear to the beach. He fought me on this, but I insisted he’d be way more comfortable in shorts, and he finally caved in. He had on an old pair of jeans and told me to cut them off while they were on him. He put his finger on the side of the jeans and told me to cut them right where his finger was. I cut a slit to mark the place and had him take the jeans off, knowing I couldn’t make a straight cut with them on him. I cut them right by his marking. I guess they had fell down some on him when he showed me where to cut. When I finished, they were about six inches long from the crotch to the bottom of the shorts. Thinking they would still look OK on him, I had him try them on. I started ROTFL, it was hysterical. They were super short and his legs were so white. He informed me that he was not going to wear "daisy dukes" to the beach. I swear I cut them right where he said, but he accused me of cutting them shorter. Needless to say those wouldn't work, so he found an old pair of shorts and off we went.
We all loaded up on the sunscreen. All but one of us. Jim turned down my offer of sunscreen. I should have insisted, but didn’t give it a second thought. I decided to grab a bite to eat before swimming and looked for the plastic knives for the mustard and mayo. I could not find them them anywhere. I searched the bags a second time with no success. Thinking I had left them in the car, I treked back to the car. I was shocked when I walked up to my car. Not only was the door unlocked, it wasn't completely closed and my purse was on the front seat. I can honestly not recall a time in my life when I have left my car unlocked and my purse in plain view. What made this worse was that our our was parked on the other side of the boardwalk, completely out of our view. I looked all through the car, but the knives weren't there either. I locked it up and went back to the beach. One more search and I found them in a bag I had already searched. God's ways never cease to amaze me. Had I not overlooked the knives in the bag, my purse would have been easily accessible to anyone passing by my car. A little annoyance became a big blessing.
When we got ready to leave, I looked at Jim sitting in his chair and noticed his knee was bright red and I mean bright! I said "oh no, look at your knee, you are sunburned." To which he replied, "no I’m not, it’s red because I was resting my hand there." He refused to believe that he was sunburned. Funny thing, when we got home, it was still red! Turns out it wasn’t just his knee that was red, His other knee, the front of his legs and his feet are all cooked! The icing on the cake, Cade was more interested in catching critters and little fish in the rocks, than he was fishing with Jim. Jim spent most of his beach time sitting in a chair in pure misery baking in the sun.
Kirby and I had a blast playing and jumping in the waves. We came in for a few minutes, loaded up on sunscreen, grabbed her mask and went back to the waves. On the way she said to me, "I love Molly at the beach." Her bathing suit had stretched and her bottoms kept slipping down when the waves hit. At one point she said, "oh no, I almost lost my drawers." I asked her what we would do if she lost them, thinking she would say something like "have to get mom to bring me a towel to wrap up in." She replied, "Go search for them." She always has the cutest way of expressing herself.
On the way home from the beach we decided to play "Hang Man." Cade went first and hung us quickly. It was a four letter word and the only letter Jim, Kirby and I guessed was "e" and there were two of them in the middle. We kept guessing, even after we hung the man and couldn’t figure the word out. The word? ‘Beer!" So Cade went a second time and it was a five letter word. We tried and tried and hanged the man again. This time his word was "drunk!" So Kirby took a turn and we guessed her word. It was "wine!" Then Cade took a turn and his word was "crazy." All this from two kids who are rarely, if ever around alcohol. I called Ashley to share the "alcohol" hang man words Cade and Kirby used. She said Creston bought them two fizzy drinks the night before and they started saying they were drinking beer and getting drunk. Ashley told them they couldn’t use those words. They substitued the word "crazy" for "drunk." Guess that explains Cade’s "crazy" word on hang man.
Wednesday night was the first night Kirby would stay with us since getting home from Texas. Every time we ask her to spend the night, she says, "only if mommy can come." I had to bribe her with sugar cookies to get her to come, but she did and never once cried or ask for Ashley. Last night She found a website on Disney where you can create your own fairies. She had so much fun designing the size, clothes, hair color, hair style, eyes, accessories, etc. of her fairies. She named her first fairy, "Glory morningflower." After you design your fairy, you can take them to places in the forest and make fairy friends.
The next morning Kirby and I were playing with her fairies on the internet and Cade came in the office to see what we were doing. He had just woke up and was still in his underwear. He sat in my lap and was watching the fairies. All of a sudden with a panicky voice, he asked, "Can those fairies see me in my underwear?" Priceless!
When Jim came downstairs that morning I was shocked as to how bad his sunburn was. Never letting an "I told you so" moment pass me by, I had to remind him that I offered him sunscreen. He never ceases to amaze me in how he tries to turn the blame back on me. He said, "it’s all your fault for insisting I wear shorts to the beach. If you had just left me alone I would have worn my jeans and none of this would have happened." While putting aloe on the sunburn, I commented on how bad it is. He told me that he's "microwaved to the bone.""
Ashley and I made plans to meet at the beach Wednesday. I invited Jim, but he turned down my invitation. Besides a doctor's office, the beach is his least favorite place to be. When I was getting ready I called Cade to ask him a question. Assuming Jim was going, Cade said to remind him not to forget the fishing poles. When I gave Jim Cade's message, he said "Well, I guess I’m stuck now and have no option but to go to the beach."
Jim never wears shorts. Before we left for the beach, I made the decision that he needed some cut-offs to wear to the beach. He fought me on this, but I insisted he’d be way more comfortable in shorts, and he finally caved in. He had on an old pair of jeans and told me to cut them off while they were on him. He put his finger on the side of the jeans and told me to cut them right where his finger was. I cut a slit to mark the place and had him take the jeans off, knowing I couldn’t make a straight cut with them on him. I cut them right by his marking. I guess they had fell down some on him when he showed me where to cut. When I finished, they were about six inches long from the crotch to the bottom of the shorts. Thinking they would still look OK on him, I had him try them on. I started ROTFL, it was hysterical. They were super short and his legs were so white. He informed me that he was not going to wear "daisy dukes" to the beach. I swear I cut them right where he said, but he accused me of cutting them shorter. Needless to say those wouldn't work, so he found an old pair of shorts and off we went.
We all loaded up on the sunscreen. All but one of us. Jim turned down my offer of sunscreen. I should have insisted, but didn’t give it a second thought. I decided to grab a bite to eat before swimming and looked for the plastic knives for the mustard and mayo. I could not find them them anywhere. I searched the bags a second time with no success. Thinking I had left them in the car, I treked back to the car. I was shocked when I walked up to my car. Not only was the door unlocked, it wasn't completely closed and my purse was on the front seat. I can honestly not recall a time in my life when I have left my car unlocked and my purse in plain view. What made this worse was that our our was parked on the other side of the boardwalk, completely out of our view. I looked all through the car, but the knives weren't there either. I locked it up and went back to the beach. One more search and I found them in a bag I had already searched. God's ways never cease to amaze me. Had I not overlooked the knives in the bag, my purse would have been easily accessible to anyone passing by my car. A little annoyance became a big blessing.
When we got ready to leave, I looked at Jim sitting in his chair and noticed his knee was bright red and I mean bright! I said "oh no, look at your knee, you are sunburned." To which he replied, "no I’m not, it’s red because I was resting my hand there." He refused to believe that he was sunburned. Funny thing, when we got home, it was still red! Turns out it wasn’t just his knee that was red, His other knee, the front of his legs and his feet are all cooked! The icing on the cake, Cade was more interested in catching critters and little fish in the rocks, than he was fishing with Jim. Jim spent most of his beach time sitting in a chair in pure misery baking in the sun.
Kirby and I had a blast playing and jumping in the waves. We came in for a few minutes, loaded up on sunscreen, grabbed her mask and went back to the waves. On the way she said to me, "I love Molly at the beach." Her bathing suit had stretched and her bottoms kept slipping down when the waves hit. At one point she said, "oh no, I almost lost my drawers." I asked her what we would do if she lost them, thinking she would say something like "have to get mom to bring me a towel to wrap up in." She replied, "Go search for them." She always has the cutest way of expressing herself.
On the way home from the beach we decided to play "Hang Man." Cade went first and hung us quickly. It was a four letter word and the only letter Jim, Kirby and I guessed was "e" and there were two of them in the middle. We kept guessing, even after we hung the man and couldn’t figure the word out. The word? ‘Beer!" So Cade went a second time and it was a five letter word. We tried and tried and hanged the man again. This time his word was "drunk!" So Kirby took a turn and we guessed her word. It was "wine!" Then Cade took a turn and his word was "crazy." All this from two kids who are rarely, if ever around alcohol. I called Ashley to share the "alcohol" hang man words Cade and Kirby used. She said Creston bought them two fizzy drinks the night before and they started saying they were drinking beer and getting drunk. Ashley told them they couldn’t use those words. They substitued the word "crazy" for "drunk." Guess that explains Cade’s "crazy" word on hang man.
Wednesday night was the first night Kirby would stay with us since getting home from Texas. Every time we ask her to spend the night, she says, "only if mommy can come." I had to bribe her with sugar cookies to get her to come, but she did and never once cried or ask for Ashley. Last night She found a website on Disney where you can create your own fairies. She had so much fun designing the size, clothes, hair color, hair style, eyes, accessories, etc. of her fairies. She named her first fairy, "Glory morningflower." After you design your fairy, you can take them to places in the forest and make fairy friends.
The next morning Kirby and I were playing with her fairies on the internet and Cade came in the office to see what we were doing. He had just woke up and was still in his underwear. He sat in my lap and was watching the fairies. All of a sudden with a panicky voice, he asked, "Can those fairies see me in my underwear?" Priceless!
When Jim came downstairs that morning I was shocked as to how bad his sunburn was. Never letting an "I told you so" moment pass me by, I had to remind him that I offered him sunscreen. He never ceases to amaze me in how he tries to turn the blame back on me. He said, "it’s all your fault for insisting I wear shorts to the beach. If you had just left me alone I would have worn my jeans and none of this would have happened." While putting aloe on the sunburn, I commented on how bad it is. He told me that he's "microwaved to the bone.""
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